when i'm a sparrow in winter..

"when i'm a sparrow in winter
You are the seed i find
when i'm a heart with a splinter
Your blood keeps me alive
if i could call You a color
Youd be the deepest of blues
if i had my pleasure of anything
You'd be the One that i'd choose

now it's crystal clear i'm falling for You
now that i can see the mystery's revealed
now i'm coming clean
i can feel my fears release
now it's crystal clear
i'm falling for You

i'm soft like clay
Your hands, they mold me
for You, i would run away
just to hear You calling out my name

... i'm broken and empty
without You i'm blinded
i need You
i need You near me
i need You near me

now it's crystal clear
i'm falling for You
now that i can see the mystery's revealed
now i'm coming clean
i can feel my fears release
now it's crystal clear
i'm falling for You

please catch me
i'm falling for You.."

~ "crystal clear"... recorded by jaci velasquez

Honestly, what caught my ear this time around on this song was the line "when I'm a sparrow in winter, You are the seed I find.." We have had so much snow lately. There's no ground showing, and by the looks of things, it is going to be a while before the ground does show again. It's this lovely, pure white out there... that is, where the snow lies untouched by cars and plows and sleds and all. I love when it's new and pure and white, and not that ugly gray you see along the roads.

Anyway.. the line about the sparrow got me thinking.. we've got bird feeders out, and I love watching as all the different kinds of birds come to eat. Cardinals, blue jays, bluebirds, even a woodpecker or two.. we've got so many kinds of birds out there. They come and find the seed we put out for them.. and that is what I thought of when I heard that line.. When I don't have any hope of food in sight, when I'm all alone.. when I have absolutely nothing left in the world, I still have Jesus. No, I've not actually been in a situation where I have had literally nothing in the world, but you know what.. I've seen plenty of people who are in that situation. The people I encountered in Nicaragua and their way of life is still making an impact on me, even now, when I've been home for what, 7 or 8 months now...

Matthew 10 talks about how God even knows how many hairs are on our heads.. nothing happens even to a little sparrow that He doesn't see. Matthew 6 mentions a similar concept, as the flowers we see in His creation are so lovely.. and yet if He makes them beautiful and takes care of them.. how much more is He going to take care of us, His children... He is our seed.. He is our Provider.

No matter what I'm going through in my life.. He is the One I can always rely on. He has proven Himself faithful to me over and over. He has my complete trust... I have no reason not to trust Him.

that's when i'll give up..

"no heartbeat is always steady
angels have halos already
please - don't think you're proving yourself all the time
i don't need you to be perfect
i know the wait will be worth it
you and me, baby, we're only just learning to shine

you should know
this my love
how far i'll go
here's when i'll give up..

when the sun is coming up at midnight
when the clocks have all run out of time
when the snow falls in june
that's when i'll give up on loving you
when the earth is finished spinning around
when it's raining up instead of down
when a dream can't come true
when the rivers all run out of blue
that's when i'll give up on loving you

you'll never run out of chances
i don't need you to have all the answers
love isn't something that has to be put to the test

love like this
can't be undone
i'm telling you
if the day should come

when the sun is comin' up at midnight
when the clocks have all run out of time
when the snow falls in june
that's when i'll give up on loving you
when the earth is finished spinning around
when its raining up instead of down
when a dream can't come true
when the rivers all run out of blue
that's when i'll give up on loving you

as you're walking through the world
you gotta know
i'll be with you everywhere you go
you can spread your wings or run back to my arms
i will always hold you in my heart, baby

you'll always be
a part of me
baby can't you see

when the sun is comin' up at midnight-
when the clocks have all run out of time-
when the snow falls in june-
that's when i'll give up on loving you..
when the earth is finished spinning around-
when it's raining up instead of down-
when a dream can't come true-
when the rivers all run out of blue-
that's when i'll give up on loving you..."

"that's when i'll give up (on loving you)"... recorded by natalie grant

I so love the poetry of this song.. these words hold such a promise..
Don't we all want to be loved like this? Sure, it's a "love song".. you could have somebody sing it in your wedding.. But besides just being love like that, like between two people you can see with your eyes.. this song is a beautiful picture of the way God loves us. So unconditionally. Whether we spread our wings or run back to His arms, He loves us. We don't have to prove ourselves, we don't have to be perfect. We don't have to put on an act. God loves us perfectly.

And.. the way God loves us.. we're meant to love each other in the same way. Without condition. True love is love without condition. There is no price. If the other person messes up, our love is to still be there for them. And when we slip and fall, they need to be there for us too.

I read this passage in a book the other day...
"'What if I don't want to be in love?' [Tom asked].
'What do you mean? Of course you want to be in love. You're human.' [Mikal answered]."
(~ Ted Dekker, Black, page 76)

See... we all want to love and be loved. We all want to be "in love".. It is so human of us to want that. Which is not to say that it's wrong of us. God created us to have this desire in our hearts for love. God wants us to love and be loved...

Honestly, the thought never even crossed my mind until just now that I'm writing this the day before Valentines Day. How silly is that.. didn't even think about it.. But then, I didn't really know what turn this post was going to take when I started writing. I only knew I needed to share that song.

Anyway, as we are in the season of valentines, red and pink hearts, chocolate, roses, and all.. I don't personally have somebody in my life who I'm close to like that. I don't have a boyfriend, and I never have had one. But that doesn't bother me. ".. I know the wait will be worth it, you & me, baby, we're only just learning to shine.." God's timing is always best. At this moment, He's still growing me into the woman He wants me to be, and the woman my "Gil" needs me to be. He's still growing my "Gil" too. I'm trusting God for all of that. It gives this song a whole new aspect.. sing it to the one you are going to love. Maybe I've met my "Gil".. maybe I haven't. Maybe I've met him but I just don't know it's him yet. God knows though. He's taking care of it for me, working out each little detail, and I don't have to worry about it. He'll take care of me always, because God is forever the truest Love I could ever have.

a picture of Aslan..

"in only a moment truth was seen

revealed this mystery

the crown that showed no dignity, He wore

and the King was placed

for all the world to show disgrace

but only beauty flowed from this place

would you take the place of this Man

would you take the nails from His hands

would you take the place of this Man

would you take the nails from His hands

He held the weight of impurity

the Father would not see

the reasons had finally come to be to show

the depth of His grace

flowed with every sin erased

He knew that this was why He came

would you take the place of this Man

would you take the nails from His hands

would you take the place of this Man

would you take the nails from His hands

and we just don’t know

the blood and water flowed

and in it all He showed

just how much He cared

and the veil was torn

so we could have this open door

and all these things

have finally been complete

would you take the place of this Man

would you take the nails from His hands

would you take the place of this Man

would you take the nails from His hands..."

~ "this Man"... by jeremy camp

I have loved this song from the first time I ever heard it, but.. my fascination with it grew when I saw "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe." If you have ever seen this movie.. think of the part when they are killing Aslan. Think of the look in His eyes. Think of the jeering and mocking and yelling of the White Witch's crowd.

One day this song of Jeremy Camp's came on the radio, I think while I was on the way to or from school, and it suddenly hit me how much the two relate - the song "This Man" and that scene with Aslan and the murderous mob. The song is talking about Jesus as He was led to His death on the cross that would bring about our forgiveness and life. And.. Aslan is a picture of Jesus. Aslan, like Jesus, held the weight of impurity - Edmund's impurity and selfishness, and our own - and since He chose to hold that for us.. the Father wouldn't see it. He forgave it all. The price was blood. Either Edmund's or Aslan's.. either our's or Jesus'. "The proof of Love, the price of grace, You traded all to take my place, and died for me so I could be a child of God..." ("Child of God" - by Todd Proctor)

"The depth of His grace flowed with every sin erased.. He knew that this was why He came..." Jesus knew. Aslan knew. As each sin was erased with His blood, His grace flowed deeply. Through how much we have been forgiven we see the true depth of His amazing grace. As cliched as that phrase is, it is so true. I don't want to ever get to the point that I think of amazing grace as a cliche.

Anyway, this view and scene of the movie and this song always make me think of each other now. I can just picture a music video that says it all so much better than I have, and without even explaining it. Just the song with the film edited into a video for it. (as I actually commented to one of my friends the other day as we sat and watched some music videos he'd made.. one was a video of Narnia, which was what brought it to my mind...)

It's something I encourage you to think about.. not the music video, but just the song and the movie, the whole picture they both paint. The picture of God's great Love for us. How great is our God. How great the Father's Love for us...

Would you take the place of this Man? Would I?? Could I?? Remember the look in His eyes. Remember as He silently pleads "Know that I Love you. Know that this is for you.." Those people showed Him such disgrace, such disrespect. They spit on Him, they made fun of Him. They taunted Him in every way they could. Yet He stayed there through it all, and He did it for us. My life is His. He gave it to me, and I want - and choose - to honor Him with it. If it doesn't honor God, then it is not going to happen in my life. No, that doesn't mean I don't sin. We all do. We're human. But it means that I am choosing deliberately to honor God with my life. I still stumble and fall. But I get back up again and again, and I know that He Loves me throughout it all.

Sing with me - how great, how great is our God...

undo me..

"i've been here before
now here i am again
standing at the door
praying You'll let me back in
to label me a prodigal would be
only scratching the surface
of who i've been known to be

turn me around, pick me up
undo what i've become
bring me back to the place
of forgiveness and grace
i need You, need Your help
i can't do this myself
You’re the only one who can undo
what i've become

i focused on the score
but i could never win
trying to ignore a life of hiding my sin
to label me a hypocrite would be
only scratching the surface
of who i've been known to be

make every step lead me back
to the sovereign way that You...

turn me around, pick me up
undo what i've become
bring me back to the place
of forgiveness and grace
i need You, need Your help
i can't do this myself
You're the only One who can undo
what i've become"

"undo".. by rush of fools

I heard this song on the radio the other day, and I started thinking about what it said as I listened to what they were singing... Don't we all have stuff like this in our lives? Don't we all have days like this? Something that we've done or thought and just kind of let it slip by, thinking that.. oh, it's not so bad. Or something that we think God could never work out for good, so we'd better just run from Him.

We start to run and pretty soon, we've run so far and for so long that we forget what started us running in the first place. We don't even know exactly how to get back. But.. to get back, all we have to do is let go. Just let God have our lives and trust Him to make us new.. trust Him to undo what we've become. Because we cannot do it on our own. He's the only One who can who can show us the grace we need.

There isn't any one particular thing in my life that came to my mind in thinking about this song, but rather just the idea as a whole. How easy it is to let things escalate and get out of hand until we are suddenly in over our heads and don't know what to do to fix things. "Let every step lead me back to the sovereign way that You turn me around, pick me up.. to the way that You bring me back to the place of forgiveness and grace.." We have to become broken and let go of it all, letting God use us in our weakness, in our brokenness, for His glory. We cannot fix our problems on our own, and in order for us to let God come and forgive us and give us His beautiful grace, we have to acknowledge and act upon that acknowledgement that we are really nothing without Him. If we don't become broken and let go like this.. then we're still full of our stupid, selfish pride, and we don't really want Him to make us new. It has to be our decision to let go and come back to Him.. He won't make us do it, but as soon as we turn toward Him and choose to let Him mold us, He is always there, welcoming us into His arms. ~ the story of the prodigal and his father..

faithful..

"yesterday, today and forever
You are the same
You never change
yesterday, today and forever
You are faithful
and we will trust You..."

~ "yesterday today & forever" by vicky beeching

I just realized how long it has been since I wrote..

I've been learning a lot as I keep seeking what God has for me. School started back up this past week, and with it, work too (since I work at my college...). One thing God has impressed on my heart repeatedly - both recently and not-so-recently - is that as much as I might get distracted and caught up in other things.. He is always faithful. He knows what He's doing and He knows what I need.

I love Hebrews 13:5-8 ~ "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.' So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?' Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." If you skip back from chapter 13 to chapter 11 in Hebrews, the entire chapter is about faith and about people God saw as faithful, trusting people who lived for Him. They trusted Him to keep His promises and they obeyed even when it did not look promising or like it could possibly work. Well, God does not work in the "possibly" realm, if that makes any sense. Anything and everything is possible with Him. We have to just trust Him.

So.. yeah.. skip back to Hebrews 11. Read about Abraham and Moses, read about Noah and Isaac and when Joshua led the march around Jericho... Read about Rahab. These people stumbled just like I do. Yet God saw them as people of great faith who needed to be mentioned as examples of faith in Him. After reading Hebrews 11... now go back and read those verses in Hebrews 13 again. Verses 5 through 8. God is never ever ever going to leave us. He never left the people He used Hebrews 11 to tell us about, and He is never going to leave us or let go of us. Consider the people in Hebrews 11 and take a look at their lives.. look at the ways God showed Himself to be their Helper. And then remember that He is the same always. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Always. He never changes. He so deserves our trust and our faith.

Maybe it is easy to look at Hebrews 11 and go "yeah, but I'm not as good as those people.." We can't compare ourselves to others, but if you are going to go by comparison... well, Abraham lied. Rahab was a prostitute. Moses killed a guy. Noah got drunk. I'm not saying these things are okay or that they were even excused for the people mentioned. But what I am saying is that we all make mistakes, and God chooses to use us still. He will bring good out of everything that happens if we Love Him. I promise. If God can use a murderer, don't you think He can use us all? Have you ever hated anyone? Jesus said that if you hate someone, it is the same as murdering them. (I think it is in Matthew.. didn't look it up for the reference yet though..) And yes, I am getting into the Way of the Master questions here.. But really think about it.. God is the same then and now and forever. He used them in such great ways. Read Hebrews 11. Go back and read the Old Testament accounts of the lives of these people. He chose to use them. He is the same today. He is going to use us too.

I have this feeling that even the people mentioned failed to notice some of the ways God was using them at the time. Somehow, looking back it always seems to be easier to see God's blessings and the ways He loves to work. But just let Him take captive your heart.

May my life be one unbroken gaze fixed upon Your beauty and Your grace, no other could ever be as beautiful or steal my heart away, because I am captivated by You, my Jesus.

i can trust You..

"yes, i know that You have paved a path for me
yes, i know that You see what i do and don't need
but when it comes to the deepest things
i have a hard tiem relinquishing control
letting go

God, it hurts to give You what i must lay down
but when i let go, freedom's found
God, it hurts to give You what i've held so dear
because of Your love it's clear
i can trust You with this
i can trust You with me
i can trust You

Lord, i know that You are worthy of my trust
for You have shown me time and time again
You're faithful and yet
i'm so scared of letting go of this
afraid of what You might do with it
how could i forget who You are like this?

God, it hurts to give You what i must lay down
but when i let go, freedom's found
God, it hurts to give You what i've held so dear
because of Your love, it's clear
i can trust You with this
i can trust You with me
i can trust You

me forsaking
heart is breaking
i let go of what i've held so tight
freedom's mine now
for the taking
i move in faith, not by sight
let Your will be done

God, it hurts to give You what i must lay down
but when i let go, freedom's found
God, it hurts to give You what i've held so dear
because of Your love it's clear
i can trust You with this
i can trust You with me
i can trust You"

"i can trust You" - rebecca st. james

So... yeah... it is hard to trust sometimes. It really can hurt. A lot. Letting go of what I have held dear is never easy. But I have to trust. I choose to trust God in it all. And I know that through it all, He will make me stronger. I might not like the path that gets me there, but God knows what I need and what is best for me. He will provide for me. And even though I might not like the path so much sometimes... I know that in the end it will all work out for good, because I love God and want to serve Him with my life. "We are assured and know that [God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose." -Romans 8:28 (Amplified Bible) (For other versions/translations, click on the reference and choose a version.)

I don't know how it will all turn out. Not yet. But I do know that I can trust God with it. And I am choosing to do that. Yeah.. even when it is hard. I was listening to Rebecca St. James' "If I Had One Chance.." cd a couple of days ago (maybe yesterday) and then this morning I got this song in my head seemingly out of the blue. It fits though.. so perfectly. I had to include it because it is what is in my heart. "God, it hurts to give You what I must lay down, but when I let go, freedom's found... God, it hurts to give You what I've held so dear.. because of Your Love it's clear I can trust You with this... with me... I can trust You [with all my life]"...

To know that I can trust God, that He is worthy of all our trust, and yet choose not to trust Him would be hypocritical. It wouldn't be practicing what I preach. It would not be living what I say I believe. Truthfully, in light of this, I have no choice but to trust Him. Because of His great Love, though... I want to trust Him. It is hard to let go.. but it is what I need to do, and I know and trust that God will help me to do it.

"Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our Refuge." - Psalm 62:8 (NIV). I so love that verse... I have poured out my heart to God so much, and to know that He loves to hear my heart even though He already knows it all is so comforting. To know that He listens and is my Refuge, the place I can always go, the One who is always with me no matter what... it is so refreshing. And.. since He is always with me, I need to always be with Him too.. meaning I need to live my life so as to reflect Him to everybody. I need to live like He is here with me, not just say it. ~ and.. that means trusting Him in it all.

"I'm so scared of letting go of this, afraid of what You might do with it - how could I forget who You are like this?" How is it that every time I have to let go of something dear to me I seem to forget who God is?? He is still the "God who opens seas, every flower, even me"... (- Bethany Dillon, "All I Need") Look at what He has done - everything we read about in the Bible, and everything He has blessed us with now. He still does miracles today. I think we have so much less faith than people used to though and we fail to see the miracles that are in our everyday lives.

Anyway... I am choosing to trust God. Even though it is hard sometimes. And even though it hurts to let go. If I don't let it go, how can I sit here an expect God to do great things with it? I cannot hold onto something and wait for God to use it or me. I have to let go and trust.

living what i say i believe..

So.. my week has been long. It has been hard at times... But life is that way sometimes.

I can honestly say, though, that God has been giving me joy. The joy of the Lord truly is my strength.

I have been thinking and praying a lot lately about this... I went to my friend's church a week and a half ago to tell about my Nicaragua missions trip, and I ended up tying it all together with missions at home and how we are all called to be missionaries even if we never leave the area by telling about the guy I work with that I've written about before. I told the people at Pam's church as they sat and listened to me that... sure, missions overseas is great. If you have the opportunity, go for it. Go someplace and share your faith there. But we have to share it here too. Because... if we do not share God and what He has done for us at home, at school, and even in our local churches... then it is not real. We have to live what we believe here, or there is no point in going somewhere else on a missions trip.

I just heard somebody say this yesterday or today... and now I cannot even remember where I heard or read it. I don't have a clue who said it. But... "You can say what you want. But you'll live what you really believe." OH!! I know.. I think it was this afternoon, as I was watching Casting Crowns' new dvd. Mark Hall, their lead vocalist, was talking about living what we believe and about loving others like Jesus.

Anyway, throughout the good times and the not-so-good, I want to be an example and a reflection of who Jesus is and of His love for us all. Because... I can recite all the verses I want, and say all sorts of great words, but if I don't live His love to those I encounter in my life, then it is all pointless.

hard times..

"the joy of the Lord is my strength." - Nehemiah 8:10

It is something I have learned before.. and I am learning at this moment that it really is something that I have to constantly be learning again and again. I'm really hurting right now. I know God has a reason and a plan, even though I don't know exactly what it is. He wants to grow me through this hard time though, and I don't want to stand in the way of letting God use this for my good. I don't even quite know how to describe the way I am hurting. I think I feel like I just lost my best friend.. and then I realize.. I did. At least one of my very best friends ever. A friend asked me today after church if I was okay, because she could tell something is not right. I told her I was okay though.. but I think she could see through my facade. I'm not myself.

Just pray for me, please. To trust God, to still have my smile, to be willing to let Him use this time to teach and grow me. I want to let God have all of me - not that I didn't before, but I think that needs to be a major focus. I want to be effective and productive for Him.

I need a hug. In a really huge way.

God is with us...

Sunday morning I went into Sunday school for the first time in a while, since I'd been working in the 2-year-old Sunday school class for the past month or so. I was feeling so stressed and overwhelmed by everything... Our Christmas coffees at church are coming up, and I am in charge of the preschoolers' song for it - what if they don't sing, what if I don't have any help, what if something just goes really, really wrong?? (And it didn't help that I had gone to a Christmas program the night before where a children's choir sang... not all preschoolers, but some of them were... every kid was singing, they stood in perfectly straight rows, and they were being directed - really directed!!) I have a research paper to finish for biology, as well as a final in that class... and I am really not looking forward to that final. I have four papers to write for my English class (Helping Writers Write)... thankfully they are pretty short and easy, but.. they still take thought and time! And then I have to do a rewrite of one of those papers. My internet development project is not done yet... and at that time, my computer graphics project was due the next morning - which I was finished but not completely happy with. I have two Christmas concerts/recital-type-programs I am playing in this coming Sunday. And then add in my regular stuff of just plain old life... school, work, Awana, piano, etc.

So anyway, that is kind of what was running around in my mind Sunday morning. When Pastor Brian asked if anyone had prayer requests, I said that I did. I first of all asked for prayer for the Christmas coffees and for help with that. Then I went on to share about a guy I work with. I have written about this before, so I am not going to go into that right now... but I briefly told the story behind my prayer request. This guy is into wicca, and he'd grown up in a Methodist church.. so when I found that out, I asked him what made him decide on wicca.. when he said it was because he wanted something real, and that people came to his church just because that is what you do - Sunday rolls around, so you go to church - it was a routine for them, not a part of their real lives. They weren't living it. When he told me that, it really went to my heart, and it began to break me. I wrote about it on here one day.. It made me think about how we so often don't live what we say we believe. And.. if we don't live it, then we don't really, honestly believe it. "Anyone who claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did." (1 John 2:6) So I told them about this, and then I said... "So, my prayer request is for him. But it is also for us..." I went on to say that yes, we need to reach out to others outside the church, but.. not only to them. We need to really reach out to everyone inside the church too. Inside the doors of our own church there are people who are going to leave - not just leave our church, but leave the whole idea of Christianity behind them - if we do not change our actions and reach out to them, and if we do not finally begin to truly live what we profess so boldly to believe. I do not want people turning their backs on God because of something I have or have not done or said. That is not Loving my neighbor, and it is not Loving God. We actually owe it to people to Love them. That is a thought that really strikes me every time I think about it.

Anyway.. I got off on a rabbit trail there...

So I gave them my prayer requests. They asked the guy's name, and I told them, and asked them to also pray for a girl I work with, not that she is into wicca too, but just to pray for her. After everyone was finished sharing things to pray for, different people volunteered to pray for each person's requests. Katie prayed for mine, and as we sat there as she prayed and then the next person and then next... I was filled with such peace. I had been so overwhelmed and stressed with life when I came in the door, and as we sat praying together, praying for each other, I was struck by the realization of a verse playing out right there in front of me. "Where two or three come together in My Name, there am I in the midst of them." (Matthew 18:20, I believe...) It just hit me so strongly that God was there with us. I mean, He is always here with us. But as I sat there as we prayed together, it was like He was sitting there right next to me, reassuring me that He is here, everything will end up alright, and all is well.

He knew that I needed that reassurance at that moment. It was perfect.

So.. yeah, my preschoolers might not all sing, they might dance around on the stage... I might play something terribly wrong on the piano on Sunday when I play for the Christmas programs... I might not do well on my biology final, or on my research paper... everything might not get done on my internet development project that I want to finish on there... But.. you know what? -- Whatever happens, all is well, because.. God is with us. That is so amazing to really think about. When you stop and think about what that means. God is here with us?? Yes.. He is. Always. How can I help but have peace because of that??

sharing joy..

I know I have already mentioned it several times... but a theme that just keeps coming up is being thankful and content. Especially with Thanksgiving and Christmas sneaking up so quickly.

Life has this way of being what we make of it. If we go about our lives with an ungrateful attitude and looking for ways to gain everything we can, then we are going to have such a joy-less life. No fun, no smiles, no peace.

If we go through life, though, with the realization that we are so blessed, that makes all the difference. To know that we are Loved by the King makes our hearts want to sing, as Chris Tomlin puts it in his new song "How Can I Keep from Singing?"... To be thankful for what God has blessed us with, and to be happy with what we have. To give to others and Love them. Living like this brings joy. It brings joy not only to ourselves, but also to those around us.

Bringing joy to the people I come in contact with is important to me... I love when I walk down the hall at school and see someone I tutored in math last week, or on an English paper a month ago, or the lady who comes to recruit for the Big Brothers/Big Sisters organization. She always has a smile for me, and she is so sweet. I always stop and talk when I see someone I know, just to say hi, ask how they are doing, and give them a smile.

I remember one day in youth group (so it was several years ago... since I graduated in '02...) Pastor Brian was talking about the good Samaritan and how that story applies to our lives. He was talking about Loving our neighbors, and I will forever remember what he said next... Our neighbor is anyone who is in need. ~ And everybody is in need of something. Maybe it is something big, like a car or a home, or maybe it is something else. Maybe they are in need of a friend, just someone to listen. Maybe they need a hug. Maybe all they need is a smile. But everybody is in need of something. There is always something we can share with others. It is so amazing what just a smile can do to brighten someone's day, week... even their life.

So often it is hard for us as humans to see the big picture. It is really important, though, to keep in mind that the here and now is not the point. We will not always see the results of what we do and say here on earth. God knows how He is going to use these things, though. He has something great in store, if we will just listen to Him and Love others. A smile can change someone's whole life, even though we may never know it until heaven. But keeping that in mind can help our perspectives to stay in the right place, it can help us focus more on the bigger picture instead of just on what we can see right now.

I guess this took sort of a different turn from what I started out saying. God knew what I needed to say though... He knew what I needed to write and what I need to be learning right now. I love how He can use the strangest things to teach us crucial lessons; that is often what He chooses to do. Maybe I pay attention better when something is out of the ordinary. I don't know. But I love how He always has something great to teach me, and some different way to teach it to me. :)

gratitude..

"send some rain, would You send some rain?
'cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
and the sun is gigh and we are sinking in the shade
would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
but maybe not, not today
maybe You'll provide in other ways
and if that's the case...

we'll give thanks to You with gratitude
for lessons learned in how to thirst for You
how to bless the very sun that warms our face
if You never send us rain

daily bread, give us daily bread
bless our bodies, keep our children fed
fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
wrap us up
and warm us through
tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
or maybe not, not today
maybe You'll provide in other ways
and if that's the case...

we'll give thanks to You
with gratitude
a lesson learned to hunger after You
that a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead
and if we never taste that bread

oh, the differences that often are between
everything we want and what we really need

so grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
move our hearts to hear a single beat
between alibis and enemies tonight
or maybe not, not today
peace might be another world away
and if that's the case...

we'll give thanks to You
with gratitude
for lessons learned in how to trust in You
that we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
in abundance or in need
and if You never grant us peace

but Jesus, would You please..."

~ "gratitude"... nichole nordeman

Wow.. what can I say?? That is quite a song. Quite a prayer. It really needs to be my own prayer, the cry of my heart. But how often is it not? I hate to think how often... There is always, always, always something to be thankful for. There is something to smile about, something to be joyful about. Paul talks in Philippians 4 about having learned to be content in whatever situation he happened to be in... and he was in some pretty hard and nasty situations at different points in his life. He learned to be truly content when he was hungry or well-fed, when he had a home or not, when he had good clothes and when he didn't. He learned to trust in God for everything that he needed and came to believe that He would provide everything he ever needed. Philippians 4:19.

As Americans (and just generally as humans...) we tend to fail to see the difference between what we want and what we really need. Look at how much God has blessed us with. I have been in places where the people have absolutely nothing by our standards. They cook outside; they have to get their food daily, because they have no place to store it from day to day. They don't have a bathroom, and they cram ten or more people into a tiny home with just a room or two. They have a little hook on the wall where they can hang their clothes, whatever they happen to not be wearing that day, which isn't too much. They have nothing to the extent that they pick up what we consider to be trash, and they keep it. They don't have clean water. And yet... these people who have so little are so generous. They invite you into their homes and proudly show off their few possessions and their family. They always have a smile for you. There is just nothing like it. They share what they have. It brings tears to your eyes. Trust me, I've been there.

"show me what it means..."

"i’ve been here a thousand times before
face down on the floor
wondering how i even reached this place again
but You have shown so endlessly
how Your love pours over me
no picture can re-create the beauty that I see

show me what it means
to live my life a sacrifice
if only i would realize
how much it took to pay the price
i know i’d always give
everything to You

i want this world to see
Your perfect majesty
reflecting from my life this brilliant poetry
written all over this place
the signs of all creation that You breathed
words can’t even state how much You mean to me

i want to face my very crime
of not giving all of mine
but i can feel the hope You bring to me..."

~ "what it means"... jeremy camp

I need to live my life as a sacrifice to my Savior. We are called to be living sacrifices. Romans 12:1-2. A topic that keeps coming up lately is really living and sharing what we believe. A friend and I were talking about it the other day at school, and then we continued our conversation on it the next day when the same subject came up in a Bible study we were doing. It is so important. People do not want to be a part of something that is just a bunch of hypocrites. They want to see the realness of our faith. Yeah, so I keep writing about this subject... but it is so important. It is a very crucial aspect of our faith. If we do not live so that people can see Jesus in us, then so many of them will never know Him. "We might be the only 'Jesus' some people ever see." I need to let Jesus be reflected in my life, so that everything I do really shows how much He means to me. I need to be active in sharing my faith and not just be content in letting it be known that I am a Christian. I need to go and share it. Matthew 28:18-20. Whatever it means for my life, I need to share, and I need to be a living sacrifice. I need to put sharing my faith over my own comfort. Trust me, there have been so many times when I have been uncomfortable in situations I have been in... but those are the times when we grow. How can I grow if I stay only where I am comfortable and cozy? And how will others see my willingness to go out and get dirty, making myself on an equal level with people who have less than I do if I don't get out of my comfort zone?

This really is not very organized as far as my thoughts on it go... but it is just something that has been surfacing and resurfacing lately. It is a passion of mine that I want to keep strong and grow even stronger. I have to live what I believe. That is just the way it is.

let my life speak...

After class yesterday, I was on my way back to work at the other end of the school... Walking through the hall, I passed a girl I work with in the Learning Center. We stopped to talk for just a minute. She was on her way to class, and I knew she had a quiz in that class, so as we went on our way, I turned back to her and said something about hoping her quiz went well. And then she just looked at me, and she said, "You always look so happy!"... with a look on her face that was almost incredulous, like "how on earth do you do that?"

That is one of the biggest compliments she could have given me. I want my life to show that I am happy. It is not just happiness though... it is joy. I love that she has seen that joy in my life. She sees me smile all the time, and she sees that I've always got something good to say about whatever's going on. We didn't have time to get into why I have joy... she had to get to class and I had to get to work. But... I am praying for an opportunity to have that conversation with her.

"all the colors of the rainbow
all the voices of the wind
every dream that reaches out
that reaches out to find where love begins
every word of every story
every star in every sky
every corner of creation lives to testify

for as long as i shall live
i will testify to love
i'll be a witness in the silences
when words are not enough
with every breath i take
i will give thanks to God above
for as long as i shall live
i will testify to love

from the mountains to the valleys
from the rivers to the sea
every hand that reaches out
every hand that reaches out to offer peace
every simple act of mercy
every step to kingdom come
all the hope in every heart will
speak what love has done..."

~ "testify to love"... avalon

If we pay attention to it, all of creation testifies to God's greatness and Love. Everything good points to Him, whether or not we connect the dots. I want my life to speak of how great our God is. Just like the mountains and the rivers, acts of mercy, the stars in the sky, and the colors of the rainbow... just like they testify to God's Love, I want my life to testify. I am choosing to live so as to testify to His goodness and grace and mercy.

It is no secret where I work that I am a Christian, and that I go to church. There are a couple of other believers that I work with, which is really encouraging to me. At the same time though, I am glad that I do not work with only Christians, because if I did... I have this feeling that I would get into a sort of rut in my walk with God. Living what I say I believe would still be important, but it would be different in that I would not have people look at me and say "You always look so happy!" with the same look on their face that this girl had yesterday. Maybe here and there, but not like I have the opportunity right now. My mom has said several times that she wishes I were attending a Christian school. But you know what? ~ I really, really believe that I am exactly where God wants me for the time being. He wants me in class and at work with unbelievers surrounding me. For right now, this is my mission field from God. He has blessed me so much. I need to pass along the blessings He's given me. I need to be in school right where I am, sharing a smile and a kind word, encouraging others, and sharing God's great Love.

I thank God for placing me here. When I started college two years ago, I honestly never expected to get to the point where I would walk down the hall and know so many of the people I see on my way to wherever it is I am going. I constantly see people in the halls who I know from class (both current or previous classes), people I work with, people I tutor, people I just know from seeing them all the time, etc. There is one lady who comes a couple of times each month and recruits volunteers for the "Big Brother/Big Sister" organization that goes to public schools and mentors the kids there... I have gotten to know her and now every time I see her, I stop and say hi and ask how her day's going... I love to see her smile. :) The other day she told me I was a bright spot in her day or something along those lines. If I can brighten someone's day or make a difference in their life... then I want to do it. I want to show them Jesus' Love... I might be the only Jesus they ever meet. So I need to make the most of the opportunities I am given.

"live to worship"...

"a simple offering is all that we bring

we give our lives, claim You as King

we are Your servants and before You we bow

with every breath we make this vow

we will live to worship, give You praise

with all our hearts for all our days

Father we want to do what You created us to

we will live to worship You

our every moment is a gift of Your grace

we are all Yours, now and always

more than just words, oh Lord, the cry of our hearts

is to let our lives speak of how great You are

we will live to worship, give You praise

with all our hearts for all our days

Father we want to do what You created us to

we will live to worship You

You are worthy, You are holy

You alone are deserving

You are worthy, You are holy

You alone are deserving..."

~ "live to worship"... recorded by joy williams, written by scott krippayne, john lemonis, and tony wood

A simple, worshipful song of Love to our Maker. I especially love the words in the second verse... the cry of our hearts really does need to be letting our lives speak of how great our God is. It is so beautiful. I want my life to have that beauty of truly reflecting my God and His Love. This could be my life song. I want to live to worship Him. With all my heart, and for all my days.

just a spoon full of sugar...

I was watching "Mary Poppins" the other night.... I have always loved that movie, but somehow, when I watch movies now, even though I know the movie by heart, it seems like I get more out of it now. I could sing along and quote pretty much the whole movie, but watching movies now, the messages of them really get to me. They stick in my heart and I really think about them a lot more than I'm sure I ever used to.

So in watching Mary Poppins, I began to think about the message of the movie. It has such a strong family message. Mary Poppins comes to make the Banks family a real family... to bond them together.

And she makes everything fun. Now, I know life is not about having fun. But at the same time, the point is not to make everything dull and lifeless. My point of view on it is basically the same as Mary Poppins' view... she never actually comes right out and says it, but if you listen to the words as she sings or speaks... it is there just the same. There is always something to be thankful for. There is always something to smile at. There is always something to be glad about. When Mary Poppins comes to the Banks' home to be the children's nanny, she brought with her a joyful smile. She taught the kids how to make an everyday chore something fun. "In every task that must be done, there is an element of fun..." If we choose to look and find that fun, then we'll find it. But if we just sit there and complain, then we're missing out on so much. "Just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down..."

When we look for something to be glad about or thankful for, we will find it. Watch "Pollyanna"... she's the same way. :) Paul says in Philippians to rejoice in the Lord always. (Philippians 4:4) He says to think about the beautiful things. The things that are true and noble and right. Think lovely thoughts... (Philippians 4:8) When we focus on the good, we will find something to be thankful for. Finding our joy in God, where it truly is, is the only way we can really be joyful. Let God's joy be your strength. (Nehemiah 8:10)

You know... as I sat there watching "Mary Poppins" the other night, my family was gone. They went camping in Indiana, but I had some major biology homework to finish up, and I had the beginnings of a cold. So I stayed home. I worked on my biology all day Saturday. It is so easy to complain about that. But hey, I got a 94% on my test, and 100% on the rest of last week's homework! So I finished my biology... I watched "Mary Poppins" -- by myself. Who likes to watch movies by themself?? Honestly, I really don't. But it was a nice little spoon full of sugar after a day full of biology. I can't complain. I am so blessed. I enjoyed my movie... even by myself. I got out some cheez-its and milk, and sat and watched my movie.

Be glad. Make your life fun. Don't make it revolve around fun, but just have some fun with the everyday chores and tasks that you have to do. Be joyful. Rejoice in the Lord... always. There is something to be glad about. Always.

And there is always, always, always something to be thankful for.

something to give...

"an image flashed across my tv screen
another broken heart comes in to view
i saw the pain and i turned my back
why can't i do the things i want to?
i'm willing yet i'm so afraid
You give me strength
when i say

i want to be Your hands
i want to be Your feet
i'll go where You send me
i'll go where You send me
and i try, yeah i try
to touch the world like You touched my life
and i find my way
to be Your hands

i've abandoned every selfish thought
i've surrendered every thing i've got
You can have everything i am
and perfect everything i'm not
i'm willing, i'm not afraid
You give me strength when i say

this is the last time
i turned my back on You
from now on, i'll go so
send me where You want me to
i finally have a mission
i promise i'll complete
i don't need excuses
when i am You hands and feet"

~ "hands & feet"... audio adrenaline

The little boy in the picture is Nayrobi. He is in preschool at Josue 1:8, the school in Los Brasiles. This is the community where we spent most of our time during our stay in Nicaragua this past June. I am sponsoring Nayrobi through NRN (Nicaragua Resource Network), which is the group we went down there with.

I am so excited for the privilege to sponsor Nayrobi. See... I have been so blessed by God. No, I don't have a lot of money. But I have a home. I have a family, I have friends, I have a church, I am in school, and I have a job. I have food to eat every day and I do not have to wonder where my next meal is going to come from.

Have you ever heard of Rob Bell? Check out this little clip of one of his videos here... We watch his dvds in Sunday school sometimes, and with each one I see, I am struck again with the simplicity yet truthfulness of the message of them. They are so relevant to life; this guy shares some crucial truths that sometimes we overlook and take for granted.

How often do we really think about our food being a gift from God? Or how about our home? How easy is it to take for granted that we have clean water? So many people do not even have clean water to drink. In Nicaragua, we had to drink bottled water instead of getting it from the faucets. How often have you stepped into a cold shower and complained that you really want a warm shower?... Yet, how many people in this world have no shower? No toilet? How easy is it to complain about cleaning the bathroom??

Mr. Bell, in his video "Rich," comments on the bumper stickers saying "God bless America"... He says God has blessed America. He as so, so blessed us as Americans. And yet we look at commercials or at our neighbors or friends and see something they have that we don't have, and we begin to think that our stuff is not enough. Contentment is so important, so crucial. We cannot go about our lives wanting everything we see. Pastor Steve said this morning that biblical giving is sacrificial. We have to give up something. It is generous, not skimpy. Biblical giving sees a need and does not think twice about giving to fulfill that need.

I am sponsoring Nayrobi because I have something to give. So maybe it means I won't get the latest Newsboys cd the day it releases. But it means that this adorable little boy has clothes for school. He has good food and water. I have seen the homes in Los Brasiles firsthand... I have personally walked through them, and I can tell you that these people live in homes that consist of maybe a small bedroom and that is it. They have a hook on the wall where they can hang their couple of outfits. They don't have any television or dvd player... and even if they did, they don't have any electricity to make it work. They cook outside, and whatever food they have, they have to go and buy it daily. They don't have any refrigerator to keep it cold. When you go and walk through these homes, and these people invite you in like you're royalty... they have nothing, yet they want to share what they have with you.... it brings tears. The tears are coming to my eyes as I sit here remembering these sweet, generous people. I cannot even imagine living like they do. They have joy though, they have smiles. It is so amazing to see the poverty and the dirt, and yet see them smiling and welcoming you into their home.

I had something to give... that is also why I cut my hair in June. Sure, I was going to Nicaragua (and then to be a counselor at camp) and didn't want to deal with the length of my hair in the extreme heat and humidity... that is why I cut it when I did. But I figured somebody else needed it more than I did. It was something I could give.

I really, really encourage you to check out the video I included the link for. It is just a short clip of what is an exceptional video. Let God speak to your heart through it... please.

"salvation"...

"salvation spring up from the ground

Lord, rend the heavens and come down

seek the lost and heal the lame

Jesus bring glory to Your name

let all the prodigals run home

all of creation waits and groans

Lord, we've heard of Your great fame

Father, cause all to shout Your name

stir up our hearts, oh God

awaken our spirits to awe who You are

put a cry in us

so deep inside that we cannot find

the words we need

we just weep and cry out to You..."

~ "salvation"... chris tomlin

I first learned this song from Todd Proctor... (our worship leader at Brethren National Youth Conference since 2001). It is a beautiful cry to God to work in our hearts and lives, and all around us. "Awaken our spirits to awe who You are..." I have always loved that line. The whole song, really, but something about that line just catches something inside me and it makes the whole song perfect.

Right now I am listening to Chris Tomlin's latest cd, "See the Morning"... I've had it for over a month now, since I got a pre-release edition from his street team. I love the honesty in each of his songs. They are so real, and that is exactly what they need to be. God knows our hearts. He knows what we cannot find the words to say. He knows whether or not our hearts are truly worshipping Him.

Awaken our spirits to awe who You are, God. So that we cannot even find the words we need but instead just cry out to You in our hearts.

"stars would fall..."

I so love this song by Monk & Neagle. Yeah, okay, so it's a "love song"... See, what I love about it is the picture they paint through it. They wrote this song for their wives, just about how much they love them...

"have i told you lately
how much i think about you
the way you laugh, the way you love
the way i feel around you
the stars would fall for you
and i would die for you

have i told you lately
how much i dream about you
the way your eyes dance in the sun
the way the heavens wrap around you
and i would walk the world
to prove that i am yours

you're my angel, you're my queen
and i will give you everything
i'm crazy, i'm crazy
i've been around the world to see
that you're the only girl for me
i'm crazy, for you i'm crazy

have i told you lately
how much you mean to me
every word from your mouth
is like a drop of honey
the stars would fall for you
and i would die for you

i can barely breathe when i'm without you
i honestly believe i might die without you
you're the rhythm that my heart beats to
and i'll do anything because i love you
girl i love you"

~ "stars would fall (i'm crazy)"... monk & neagle

It is such a tenderly written song, so full of love. That is what I want... not someone to write a song for me like this, but if I eventually ever get married, I want to be so in love like in this song. To have a guy choose to love me like these guys love their wives, the way they have described in their sweet song, is true Love. To have him singing this song in his heart is so beautiful. The simplicity of it... the honesty of it...

Maybe it sounds selfish of me to say that I would want this... but I really don't think so. True Love is unselfish, and I would want to be Loved unselfishly like Monk & Neagle describe in this song. I would want to Love unselfishly also. They sing that they would do anything for their wives, and really, I think that is the way it should be. There needs to be a mutual Love like this. Like doing anything to help the other person be more of who God wants them to be. I don't want everything, I don't want somebody to give me everything... but it is the heart attitude of that that needs to be present. It is so crucial. I think one reason why so many marriages end these days is that people are so selfish.

Someday I want to hear Monk & Neagle sing this song live....

I put this on here today, not because I am aching for a "boyfriend" ~ because I'm not. But I wanted to share this song that I love, as well as my desire that "when I fall in love, it will be forever"... as Nat King Cole sings. :) "Love" is so superficial in the eyes of the world today... but that is not really Love. True Love is a choice. It is choosing to Love, even when the feeling might not be there.

Snow White sings "someday my prince will come..." For me? Maybe.. We'll see what God has planned. If it is not forever though, then it is not at all. I know that much.

"However, as it is written:

'No eye has seen,

no ear has heard,

no mind has conceived

what God has prepared

for those who love him'..."

~ 1 Corinthians 2:9

real Christianity...

Yesterday in talking with one of the guys I work with, somehow the topic of beliefs came up. I have made it very clear that I am a follower of Christ and that I let that affect my whole life. I'm not even sure anymore how the subject came up, but this guy said that most people don't want to hear about what he believes, so he doesn't usually mention it. I asked him why, and what he believes, and he told me that he is wiccan.

Oh...

Okay...

What do I say??

He had already said that he grew up in a Methodist church in his town. I ended up asking him how he got into wicca, what made him interested in it. Not just out of politeness. I really wanted to find out what on earth would make somebody turn from what they'd grown up with ~ a Methodist church, in this case ~ and go into wicca. I wanted to get a little bit of a glimpse into his mindset as to why he would even want to do this.

So we talked...

Guess what I found out.. He said most of the people in his church went there because that is just what you do on Sundays. Sunday rolls around and you go to church. He said, sure, there were some people who really meant it, and they were there a lot more and everything, but most of the people just came because going to church is what you do on Sunday. It was a routine. It was fake. I asked him, just to be sure that is what he meant.

In about 7th or 8th grade, this guy went through a major rebellion. He was miserable, and he made everybody he came in contact with miserable as well. He told me about this one night when he was in his room and he honestly debated on killing himself. He said he had a choice: "suicide or not," as he put it. He chose "not," and he said that with the choice he made came the necessity for something to change.

What he told me is pretty much that he researched a lot of religions and chose the one that he agreed with the most.

My point in telling this story is that we are in need of a change in such a major way. We are turning people off with our hypocrisy as a church. We cannot be fake. We can't be into the ritualistic church-going or rule-following.

Real Christianity is not religion. It is having a relationship with our Creator. I know that is said so much it sounds cliched, but that does not make it any less true.

When I think of religion, I think of the Pharisees in the Bible. They knew all the rules and put the emphasis on that rather than on loving and following Jesus. They were legalistic in what they did.

Hypocrisy is not attractive.

Do you know the song "My Jesus" by Todd Agnew?

"which Jesus do you follow?
which Jesus do you serve?
if ephesians says to imitate Christ
then why do you look so much like the world?

'cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant
so which one do you want to be?

blessed are the poor in spirit --
or do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land
blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness --
or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand

'cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins
He spent His time with thieves and sluts and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the rich
so which one do you want to be?

who is this that you follow
this picture of the american dream
if Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side --
or fall down and worship at His holy feet

pretty blue eyes and curly brown and a clear complexion
is how you see Him as He dies for your sins
but the Word says He was battered and scarred --
or did you miss that part?
sometimes i doubt we'd recognize Him

'cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and the least of these
He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable
so which one do you want to be?

'cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
the blood and dirt on His feet might stain the carpet
but He reaches for the hurting and despises the proud
i think He'd prefer beale street to the stained glass crowd
and i know that He can hear me if i cry out loud

i want to be like my Jesus

not a posterchild for american prosperity
but like my Jesus
you see i'm tired of living for success and popularity
i want to be like my Jesus but i'm not sure what that means
to be like You Jesus
'cause You said to live like You, love like You
but then You died for me
can i be like You Jesus?
i want to be like my Jesus"

(- Todd Agnew)

Make the effort with me... please. Reach out to others... even those in our churches need to be reached out to. People outside the church are not going to want to give their lives to Christ when we look the same as they do. We have to be different. We have to shine like the moon, reflecting Christ and His love to everyone we come in contact with. We're turning people off and pushing them away with our fakeness and routine acts. We so need to put our heart into living for God. Make it real. Our world is so desperately needing us to be real.

"Be imitators of God, therefore,

as dearly loved children and live a life of love,

just as Christ loved us

and gave himself up for us

as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."

- Ephesians 5:1-2

And... pray for me, please, as I continue to work with this guy I was talking with. Pray that I will be open to whatever God leads me to say to him and that I will listen and obey.

"Devote yourselves to prayer,

being watchful and thankful.

And pray for us, too,

that God may open a door for our message,

so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ,

for which I am in chains.

Pray that I may proclaim it clearly, as I should.

Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders;

make the most of every opportunity.

Let your conversation be always full of grace,

seasoned with salt,

so that you may know how to answer everyone."

- Colossians 4:2-6