i can trust You..

"yes, i know that You have paved a path for me
yes, i know that You see what i do and don't need
but when it comes to the deepest things
i have a hard tiem relinquishing control
letting go

God, it hurts to give You what i must lay down
but when i let go, freedom's found
God, it hurts to give You what i've held so dear
because of Your love it's clear
i can trust You with this
i can trust You with me
i can trust You

Lord, i know that You are worthy of my trust
for You have shown me time and time again
You're faithful and yet
i'm so scared of letting go of this
afraid of what You might do with it
how could i forget who You are like this?

God, it hurts to give You what i must lay down
but when i let go, freedom's found
God, it hurts to give You what i've held so dear
because of Your love, it's clear
i can trust You with this
i can trust You with me
i can trust You

me forsaking
heart is breaking
i let go of what i've held so tight
freedom's mine now
for the taking
i move in faith, not by sight
let Your will be done

God, it hurts to give You what i must lay down
but when i let go, freedom's found
God, it hurts to give You what i've held so dear
because of Your love it's clear
i can trust You with this
i can trust You with me
i can trust You"

"i can trust You" - rebecca st. james

So... yeah... it is hard to trust sometimes. It really can hurt. A lot. Letting go of what I have held dear is never easy. But I have to trust. I choose to trust God in it all. And I know that through it all, He will make me stronger. I might not like the path that gets me there, but God knows what I need and what is best for me. He will provide for me. And even though I might not like the path so much sometimes... I know that in the end it will all work out for good, because I love God and want to serve Him with my life. "We are assured and know that [God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose." -Romans 8:28 (Amplified Bible) (For other versions/translations, click on the reference and choose a version.)

I don't know how it will all turn out. Not yet. But I do know that I can trust God with it. And I am choosing to do that. Yeah.. even when it is hard. I was listening to Rebecca St. James' "If I Had One Chance.." cd a couple of days ago (maybe yesterday) and then this morning I got this song in my head seemingly out of the blue. It fits though.. so perfectly. I had to include it because it is what is in my heart. "God, it hurts to give You what I must lay down, but when I let go, freedom's found... God, it hurts to give You what I've held so dear.. because of Your Love it's clear I can trust You with this... with me... I can trust You [with all my life]"...

To know that I can trust God, that He is worthy of all our trust, and yet choose not to trust Him would be hypocritical. It wouldn't be practicing what I preach. It would not be living what I say I believe. Truthfully, in light of this, I have no choice but to trust Him. Because of His great Love, though... I want to trust Him. It is hard to let go.. but it is what I need to do, and I know and trust that God will help me to do it.

"Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our Refuge." - Psalm 62:8 (NIV). I so love that verse... I have poured out my heart to God so much, and to know that He loves to hear my heart even though He already knows it all is so comforting. To know that He listens and is my Refuge, the place I can always go, the One who is always with me no matter what... it is so refreshing. And.. since He is always with me, I need to always be with Him too.. meaning I need to live my life so as to reflect Him to everybody. I need to live like He is here with me, not just say it. ~ and.. that means trusting Him in it all.

"I'm so scared of letting go of this, afraid of what You might do with it - how could I forget who You are like this?" How is it that every time I have to let go of something dear to me I seem to forget who God is?? He is still the "God who opens seas, every flower, even me"... (- Bethany Dillon, "All I Need") Look at what He has done - everything we read about in the Bible, and everything He has blessed us with now. He still does miracles today. I think we have so much less faith than people used to though and we fail to see the miracles that are in our everyday lives.

Anyway... I am choosing to trust God. Even though it is hard sometimes. And even though it hurts to let go. If I don't let it go, how can I sit here an expect God to do great things with it? I cannot hold onto something and wait for God to use it or me. I have to let go and trust.

living what i say i believe..

So.. my week has been long. It has been hard at times... But life is that way sometimes.

I can honestly say, though, that God has been giving me joy. The joy of the Lord truly is my strength.

I have been thinking and praying a lot lately about this... I went to my friend's church a week and a half ago to tell about my Nicaragua missions trip, and I ended up tying it all together with missions at home and how we are all called to be missionaries even if we never leave the area by telling about the guy I work with that I've written about before. I told the people at Pam's church as they sat and listened to me that... sure, missions overseas is great. If you have the opportunity, go for it. Go someplace and share your faith there. But we have to share it here too. Because... if we do not share God and what He has done for us at home, at school, and even in our local churches... then it is not real. We have to live what we believe here, or there is no point in going somewhere else on a missions trip.

I just heard somebody say this yesterday or today... and now I cannot even remember where I heard or read it. I don't have a clue who said it. But... "You can say what you want. But you'll live what you really believe." OH!! I know.. I think it was this afternoon, as I was watching Casting Crowns' new dvd. Mark Hall, their lead vocalist, was talking about living what we believe and about loving others like Jesus.

Anyway, throughout the good times and the not-so-good, I want to be an example and a reflection of who Jesus is and of His love for us all. Because... I can recite all the verses I want, and say all sorts of great words, but if I don't live His love to those I encounter in my life, then it is all pointless.

hard times..

"the joy of the Lord is my strength." - Nehemiah 8:10

It is something I have learned before.. and I am learning at this moment that it really is something that I have to constantly be learning again and again. I'm really hurting right now. I know God has a reason and a plan, even though I don't know exactly what it is. He wants to grow me through this hard time though, and I don't want to stand in the way of letting God use this for my good. I don't even quite know how to describe the way I am hurting. I think I feel like I just lost my best friend.. and then I realize.. I did. At least one of my very best friends ever. A friend asked me today after church if I was okay, because she could tell something is not right. I told her I was okay though.. but I think she could see through my facade. I'm not myself.

Just pray for me, please. To trust God, to still have my smile, to be willing to let Him use this time to teach and grow me. I want to let God have all of me - not that I didn't before, but I think that needs to be a major focus. I want to be effective and productive for Him.

I need a hug. In a really huge way.

God is with us...

Sunday morning I went into Sunday school for the first time in a while, since I'd been working in the 2-year-old Sunday school class for the past month or so. I was feeling so stressed and overwhelmed by everything... Our Christmas coffees at church are coming up, and I am in charge of the preschoolers' song for it - what if they don't sing, what if I don't have any help, what if something just goes really, really wrong?? (And it didn't help that I had gone to a Christmas program the night before where a children's choir sang... not all preschoolers, but some of them were... every kid was singing, they stood in perfectly straight rows, and they were being directed - really directed!!) I have a research paper to finish for biology, as well as a final in that class... and I am really not looking forward to that final. I have four papers to write for my English class (Helping Writers Write)... thankfully they are pretty short and easy, but.. they still take thought and time! And then I have to do a rewrite of one of those papers. My internet development project is not done yet... and at that time, my computer graphics project was due the next morning - which I was finished but not completely happy with. I have two Christmas concerts/recital-type-programs I am playing in this coming Sunday. And then add in my regular stuff of just plain old life... school, work, Awana, piano, etc.

So anyway, that is kind of what was running around in my mind Sunday morning. When Pastor Brian asked if anyone had prayer requests, I said that I did. I first of all asked for prayer for the Christmas coffees and for help with that. Then I went on to share about a guy I work with. I have written about this before, so I am not going to go into that right now... but I briefly told the story behind my prayer request. This guy is into wicca, and he'd grown up in a Methodist church.. so when I found that out, I asked him what made him decide on wicca.. when he said it was because he wanted something real, and that people came to his church just because that is what you do - Sunday rolls around, so you go to church - it was a routine for them, not a part of their real lives. They weren't living it. When he told me that, it really went to my heart, and it began to break me. I wrote about it on here one day.. It made me think about how we so often don't live what we say we believe. And.. if we don't live it, then we don't really, honestly believe it. "Anyone who claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did." (1 John 2:6) So I told them about this, and then I said... "So, my prayer request is for him. But it is also for us..." I went on to say that yes, we need to reach out to others outside the church, but.. not only to them. We need to really reach out to everyone inside the church too. Inside the doors of our own church there are people who are going to leave - not just leave our church, but leave the whole idea of Christianity behind them - if we do not change our actions and reach out to them, and if we do not finally begin to truly live what we profess so boldly to believe. I do not want people turning their backs on God because of something I have or have not done or said. That is not Loving my neighbor, and it is not Loving God. We actually owe it to people to Love them. That is a thought that really strikes me every time I think about it.

Anyway.. I got off on a rabbit trail there...

So I gave them my prayer requests. They asked the guy's name, and I told them, and asked them to also pray for a girl I work with, not that she is into wicca too, but just to pray for her. After everyone was finished sharing things to pray for, different people volunteered to pray for each person's requests. Katie prayed for mine, and as we sat there as she prayed and then the next person and then next... I was filled with such peace. I had been so overwhelmed and stressed with life when I came in the door, and as we sat praying together, praying for each other, I was struck by the realization of a verse playing out right there in front of me. "Where two or three come together in My Name, there am I in the midst of them." (Matthew 18:20, I believe...) It just hit me so strongly that God was there with us. I mean, He is always here with us. But as I sat there as we prayed together, it was like He was sitting there right next to me, reassuring me that He is here, everything will end up alright, and all is well.

He knew that I needed that reassurance at that moment. It was perfect.

So.. yeah, my preschoolers might not all sing, they might dance around on the stage... I might play something terribly wrong on the piano on Sunday when I play for the Christmas programs... I might not do well on my biology final, or on my research paper... everything might not get done on my internet development project that I want to finish on there... But.. you know what? -- Whatever happens, all is well, because.. God is with us. That is so amazing to really think about. When you stop and think about what that means. God is here with us?? Yes.. He is. Always. How can I help but have peace because of that??